Chura Liya Hai Tumne (2003)
Cast: Zayed Khan, Esha Deol, Rakhi Sawant, Salil Ankola, Gulshan Grover
Director: Sangeeth Sivan
Music Director: Himesh Reshamiyya
Synopsis: tawdry, tacky and charmless remake of the Hepburn classic Charade
Reviewed by: Faiz Khan

 

Chura Liya Hai Tumne arrives with a small slice of cinematic history attached to it. Back in the 1970s, Sanjay Khan and Hema Malini appeared together in Babul Ki Galiyan. More than thirty years later, their respective offspring headline this decidedly tawdry caper, one that borrows rather more than a little from Stanley Donen's classic Charade.

Poor Audrey Hepburn must surely be turning in her grave.

The film opens with an armed robbery in which four thieves escape with a fortune carried inside a security van.

Three years later we meet Tina (Esha Deol), an orphan living in a hostel in India while being financially supported by her mysterious Uncle Tony, who resides in Bangkok. Despite providing generously for her, Uncle Tony never seems to find the time to visit.

Accompanied by a friend from Bangkok and an irrepressible young brat, Tina heads off to Goa where she encounters the painfully scrawny Vishal Kaushik (Zayed Khan), who appears to have been born with a permanent mop of hair attached to his head.

The youngster immediately takes a shine to "Phantom", much to Tina's obvious irritation.

Following the inevitable "Girls Are Best, Boys Are Best" musical interlude, it becomes only a matter of time before Grumpy and Phantom succumb to romance, with Tina happily disappearing beneath Vishal's luxuriant locks, which frequently resemble a rather untidy bird's nest.

Just as love begins to blossom, Tina receives news that Uncle Tony has died and immediately flies to Bangkok.

There she discovers that Uncle Tony was not the benevolent guardian she had always believed him to be but one of the four bank robbers responsible for the original heist. Having absconded with the loot and abandoned his partners to languish in prison, he has left behind three very angry accomplices who have now been released and are determined to recover their missing fortune.

Tina promptly finds herself threatened, terrorised and repeatedly attacked by the trio, one of whom insists on dressing in what amounts to a bra and microscopic mini-skirts for virtually every occasion...

...including funerals.

Fortunately, good old Vishal conveniently appears in Bangkok as well.

We then discover that Phantom is actually Prakash Yogi, supposedly the brother of one of the robbers killed during the original heist and now seemingly working alongside the remaining gang members.

However, Indian Embassy official Deepak Chopra (Salil Ankola) calmly informs Tina that Mahesh Yogi never had a brother in the first place.

Confused?

Quite.

Naturally, Tina confronts Vishal, who proceeds to explain everything away.

Naturally, she believes every single word.

Every time.

No matter how many lies she uncovers.

Love may indeed be blind...

...but Tina simply comes across as remarkably gullible.

Then the body count begins.

One by one, members of the gang start turning up dead.

Who is really responsible?

Who exactly is Vishal... or Prakash?

And where has the loot disappeared?

Charade remains one of the finest comedy thrillers ever made because of its wonderfully kaleidoscopic plot, sparkling screenplay and the effortless charm of Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant. Stanley Donen handled its constant twists with tremendous elegance and wit.

Unfortunately, director Sivan appears to have absorbed virtually none of what made that film so special.

He borrows the basic premise and then proceeds to populate it with the most tired, cliched collection of commercial Hindi film characters imaginable.

What emerges is little short of a dog's dinner.

This is an extraordinarily tacky and tawdry effort with a screenplay almost entirely devoid of imagination or flair. One suspects it was written by someone in a permanent state of somnambulism.

The film simply lumbers from one scene to the next, generating precious little suspense and an awful lot of boredom.

Esha Deol remains a gawky, thoroughly charmless heroine who still appears to be searching for her footing as an actress. With her permanently sullen expression, she struggles to inject any warmth or personality into Tina. One continues to hear that she possesses enormous potential.

One waits patiently for some evidence of it.

The mere thought of Esha attempting a role immortalised by the effortlessly elegant Audrey Hepburn is enough to induce a severe bout of indigestion.

Zayed Khan makes a perfectly competent but distinctly ordinary debut. He seems reasonably comfortable before the camera but desperately requires a complete makeover. So painfully thin is he that one almost feels he would have been better cast as a Holocaust survivor. His shirt is removed at every available opportunity to display his sinewy physique.

It makes very little impression.

His performance is equally unremarkable, although that may owe more to the uninspiring material than to the actor himself.

The music is thoroughly disappointing. Songs such as "Mohabbat Hai Mirchi" and "Boys Are Best" are obviously designed to appeal to younger audiences yet fail to leave any lasting impression whatsoever.

Come on, gentlemen...

...this really is so poor that it almost succeeds in making Khushi seem enjoyable.