Lour Da Bala (1999)
Cast: Shahid Khan, Badar Munir, Durdana Rehman, Babra
Director: Darvish
Music: Faisal Rabi
Synopsis: Flesh-eating Buxom She-Beast Rapes and Murders Fat Dudes for kicks!
Reviewed by: Omar Khan

If you are familiar with Pashto horror films, you will already be well aware of the Pashtun filmmakers’ ability to concoct the most deliriously warped imagery. A cinema genre full of smut and sleaze and drenched in a grotesque and fangled version of sex.

Films such as Balaa, Goorkund, Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay and the mighty Adam Khor had already displayed the burgeoning talents of the Pashto directors.

Lour Da Balaa not only lives up to the shockers that came before it but surpassed them all by a mile and a half, with easily the most deliriously perverted scenes ever captured on film in Pakistan.

It almost defies description, but here is a brave attempt. The film starts immediately reminiscent of Dracula, Prince of Darkness. An earnest horse-cart man is taking a fat Pashtun, who looks like he just stepped out of Haight-Ashbury in ’68 with long unkempt tresses, a beard that would be the pride of a Taliban mother and filthy rags that would make Wurzel Gummidge envious.

The horseman stops his cart and tells the podgy Hippy that he won’t go any further, because in the area famously evil lies ahead. Our non-believing Hippy scoffs and sets out on foot, heading straight for the vile terrain and soon enough, he is in what looks like some ruins where among other weird wildlife, he happens to see a shape-shifting dog.

Undeterred, he carries on and, indeed, crosses the terrain. Still, when all danger appears to have subsided, he finds an abandoned car on the road with a typically buxom Pashto lass within, squirming away in agony for some unknown reason. The Hippy senses his chance, hops into the car, and carries the squirming beauty out, who proceeds to pass out in his arms—who wouldn’t, after all, probably the stench from his armpits alone would have done the trick. Now our Hippy sizes up the situation and decides that medicinal rape can be the only thing that can save tubby now. So, while she is unconscious, he proceeds to have sex with her without removing her clothes—a trick we have perfected in Pakistani cinema.

Just as the Hippy reaches untold heights of ecstasy, the beauty unconscious below him slowly returns to life. Still, it has transformed into a hideous witch with a case of double-sized Angelina Jolie lips and severe acne. Mortified, the Hippy is too shocked to respond to the thrashing meted out by Bubbly Lips, sending him flying from one side of the ruins to the other in rapid succession. Finally, when he is out for the count, she plunges her bare hands into his chest and rips out his intestines in one go!

Then, rather than munch on them gleefully as you might have expected, she starts through the forest clutching the dripping intestines that are beginning to look suspiciously like an enema painted pink and red!

Meanwhile, in one of the most breathtakingly shocking scenes in the history of South Asian cinema, we have a scene in a dark dungeon where some incredible S&M and kinky sex is taking place between

Lour Da Bala

The Mother of Hairy Beasts. You can tell it’s a mother because of the giant-sized breasts God has gifted her. The Mother of Beasts lies writhing, chained up on a stone slab, while two large and very hairy bears sniff her body up and down in some rather sensitive places. Mother Beast gets visibly excited, writhing ever more in pleasure.

Finally, when she can’t take the excitement caused by the bears sniffing her toes, she breaks her chains and smashes each bear with a backhander sending them flying. Before she can cause any more mayhem, Bubbly Lips appears with the enema/intestines and proceeds to dribble the blood into the mouth of the Mother of All Beasts in another scene of completely twisted, demented, unhinged sexuality.

Once satisfied, the hairy Mother of All Beasts, Lour Da Baala, sets off into the forest, hunting her next victim. Meanwhile, the local police are clueless about who or what the cause of all the mayhem and bloodshed is.

There are several romantic subplots thrown in at this point. Also, some gang war scenario that is too laborious and pointless, diluting the film’s entertainment value and slowing things down to a grinding halt several times. If you haven’t got the remote control handy with the fast-forward button within shooting distance, you will never make it through this turgid experience.

Then, suppose the romance, comedy, and police bits weren’t insufferable enough. In which case, you must contend with around 15 songs, each worse than the other, featuring a bevy of obese and very masculine women thrusting their bums out at anything that moves. The first one or two are amusing, but each bum wiggle is more brainnumbing than the last.

The film’s saving grace is the horror-oriented bits that sometimes punctuate the boredom and zap the viewer with a dose of surreal awfulness, and sleaze that are difficult to recover from in a hurry, if ever.

Ghastly scenes as She Beast savages her male victims sexually. Awful scenes of body parts rubbing against each other in delicious close-up. Many succulent lip-locking smooches to delight. The director also throws a dose of homosexuality into the mix, with one feminine man getting to caress the man of his dreams as he lies drugged.

In another mind-blowing scene, we have three chubby Lycra-clad beauties caressing one another’s bosoms and wrapping their legs around one another. But it’s all supposed to be entirely innocent as they are supposedly asleep – warped beyond belief.

Whatever I write cannot do justice to the sheer sleaze of this film, pseudo desi Torture Porn of the most insanely hideous and deranged kind (with the audience as victims). Worse still, believe it or not, there is a pistol upon which a woman performs oral sex and receives her reward as the gun delivers its bullets into her mouth while the man holding the pistol squirms in delight. The level of sleaze of this great scene would make even the great John Waters arch his eyebrow ever so slightly.

The hysterical scenes in this movie are simply nothing short of mind-blowing. That is, each time the She Beast or Bubbly Lips is on screen, the film snaps, crackles, and pops with the most grotesque perversions, but sadly those scenes make up around 30 minutes maximum of a two-and-a-half hour movie, which leaves a lot of time for tea and bathroom breaks. Lour da Balaa is an endurance test, but if you can endure the stretches of mind-numbing dullness, you will be richly rewarded with several deranged and warped sex sequences (shrouded in horror) that might well haunt you for the rest of your days.