Da Vino Jam (2000)
Cast: Alisha, Shahid Khan, Durdana Rehman, Saba Kazmi, Imran 
Director: Nasim Khan
Nutshell: Nasty Landlord seeks the help of an evil Pir to rid him of his impotence but with terrifying consequences.

Horror films had gone rather off the boil in local cinema by this stage. There had been a few feeble attempts, with several Urdu horror films entering the fray, each failing miserably. Da Vino Jam arrived in cinemas as the latest slice of Pashto "sexy horror". Unfortunately, it too failed to ignite the local box office, resulting in another depressing horror drought in Pashto cinema that would last for well over a decade.

Da Vino Jam stars Shahid Khan, perhaps the unlikeliest Pashto superstar imaginable, whom I once had the pleasure of meeting in a flea-pit movie distributor's office in Royal Park, Lahore, back in the day. I had mistaken the messy, untidy, bulky, greasy and rather nondescript individual for someone else entirely. Little did I realise that this was a bona fide superstar whose films were adored by millions of Pashto-speaking Pakistanis wherever they happened to live. He certainly brushes up better than most.

Da Vino Jam begins with a powerful landlord hopelessly in love with a bewitching and busty beauty, yet for reasons best known to himself he repeatedly shirks away from marrying her. Eventually, outside pressure forces his hand, but in despair he flees to the abode of a Pir Baba, splendidly attired in a dazzling yellow outfit that resembles the very finest in Lagos ladies' fashion.

The Pir confirms the landlord's worst fears: he is impotent and unable to satisfy his gorgeous new bride. Desperate to rid himself of this dreadful affliction, the landlord is willing to try almost anything and braces himself for whatever bizarre remedy the Yellow Pir has in store. The prescription is simple enough—he must drink the blood of a young virgin to reclaim his lost manhood. Only then can the curse be lifted.

Reluctantly, the landlord agrees. Although deeply tormented by the prospect, he soon corners his first victim and proceeds to ravage her after transforming into something hideously monstrous and fanged.

The transformation sequence and the vampire attacks are brilliantly handled, with bizarre background music, billowing mist and intimidating forests photographed through the trusty old wide-angle lens. Unfortunately, these inspired moments amount to barely ten minutes of the running time. Everything else is padded with an endless succession of putrid songs, dance routines and stretches of painfully imbecilic comedy. The Yellow Pir's domain, complete with his ever-bobbing band of devoted followers chanting religious songs, proves considerably more entertaining than much of what surrounds it.

Sadly, the excellent horror material is almost completely overwhelmed by the cacophony of dreadful acting and interminable musical interludes. Whenever Lollywood attempts horror, it still seems unable to resist throwing in every other commercial ingredient imaginable—romance, comedy, heartbreak, action, songs, dances and the kitchen sink—even though it very rarely works.

Blighted and straightjacketed by formula, horror is usually reduced to little more than a token ingredient. Da Vino Jam is a perfect example, with the horror content accounting for perhaps a tenth of the running time, while the remainder is padded to death with routine commercial fodder.

Da Vino Jam certainly has its moments, but they occupy only a tiny fraction of the film's 90-minute running time. The remaining hour and twenty minutes are, unfortunately, a rather excruciating and brain-numbing endurance test.