Lady Boss (Pashto) Aka Black Cat
Cast: Shahid, Naghma, Mussarat Shaheen, Badar Munir, Shehla Gill
Director: Baqar Rizvi
Synopsis: Fantastically absurd hidden cult masterpiece is genuinely a giggle-a-minute stuff!
Review by Omar Khan

A pert young journalist named Dolly warns her beau that his partner, Badar Munir, has been framed by the notorious crime queen Lady Boss and now awaits the gallows. Badar's loyal sidekick, a master of disguise, promptly hatches a daring plan to spring his old friend from prison. Once the rescue is accomplished, the pair solemnly vow to destroy the evil Lady Boss once and for all.

Their investigation begins with both heroes disguising themselves as hippies and infiltrating the local nightclub scene, where they encounter the breathtaking curves of Mussarat Shaheen and her equally glamorous companions. More importantly, they stumble upon the secret headquarters of the mysterious criminal mastermind known only as Black Cat.

Our fearless undercover heroes plant bugging devices at strategic points throughout Black Cat's sprawling underground lair before making off with a vital map detailing the organisation's secret network and current plans for what appears to be nothing less than world domination.

While Badar is busy helping himself to the incriminating documents, one of Black Cat's futuristic electronic surveillance devices suddenly detects the intruders. Fortunately, the two heroes escape courtesy of several spectacular stunts before launching into an exhilarating car chase. Salvation arrives, as it so often does in Pakistani cinema, in the form of a conveniently timed railway train that delays Black Cat's pursuing henchmen long enough for our heroes to vanish into the distance.

Meanwhile, attention turns to the fiercely devoted young journalist and her boyfriend—Badar's police partner—who interrupt proceedings with a gloriously synchronised song-and-dance routine in the local gardens, complete with several entirely essential costume changes.

The action then shifts to Black Cat's underground headquarters, where Agent 339 (Naghma), one of the syndicate's most ruthless operatives, summarily executes the unfortunate subordinate who failed to capture Badar. She calmly shoots the wretch in cold blood before having the body unceremoniously dumped into the nearest gutter.

Moments later, Agent 339—also known as Lady Boss, also known as The Sparking Lady—is summoned by the flashing red warning bulb and shrill electronic buzzer that announce an incoming transmission from Supreme Leader Black Cat himself.

"007-129... Sparking Lady 339... come on the line."

The command booms majestically through the speaker system as Black Cat prepares to reprimand his chief disciple for the latest catalogue of incompetence.

Clad in his trademark black catsuit, the feline fiend is furious that Badar and his companion escaped with the secret map. He is, however, quietly delighted to learn that the organisation's latest biological weapon has already accounted for several thousand unfortunate victims.

Business, after all, is business.

Black Cat proceeds to outline the details of his next criminal enterprise, blissfully unaware that Badar and his partner are monitoring the entire conversation through the very bugging devices they planted earlier. Armed with this invaluable intelligence, our intrepid heroes promptly intercept a diamond shipment worth billions.

Black Cat and Lady Boss are less than impressed.

Lady Boss issues the immortal command that her precious diamonds must be recovered "by hook or by crook."

Another ingenious plot—this time involving the poisoning of prospective business associates—also ends in humiliating failure after the ever-resourceful journalist once again foils the operation. Black Cat finally loses what little patience he possesses and, in a fit of spectacular petulance, orders nothing less than the destruction of the entire nation before casually announcing that he intends to take a short holiday abroad to visit friends.

One cannot accuse the man of poor work-life balance.

Meanwhile, Lady Boss recruits the local troublemaker Shahid into the organisation and orders him to hunt down the increasingly troublesome Badar. She also discovers the hidden bugging devices and destroys them before finally capturing Badar's police partner. Through the wonders of cinematic brainwashing, the unfortunate fellow is successfully convinced that Badar is no longer his closest friend but his deadliest enemy, who must be eliminated at the earliest opportunity.

As if matters were not already sufficiently bewildering, we are introduced to the saintly old Lady Rahat, a kindly soul who bears an uncanny resemblance to the villainous Lady Boss. Lady Rahat is such a gentle, compassionate old dear that absolutely nobody could possibly mistake her for an international criminal mastermind.

Or could they?

The plot continues to spiral gloriously out of control with attempted rapes, sinister brainwashing experiments, counterfeit rackets, homicidal Playboy Bunnies, spectacular car chases, dubious special effects and enough double-crosses to induce severe dizziness. Everything culminates in an earth-shattering revelation that is intended to leave audiences gasping in disbelief.

The film itself is a glorious Z-grade, sub-Bond extravaganza from beginning to end. It is sublimely cheap, magnificently incompetent and all the more entertaining because of it. The plot is so outrageously ridiculous that it almost circles back around to genius, while the acting reaches heights of awfulness seldom witnessed outside school nativity plays.

Naghma is tremendous as Agent 339—also known as Sparking Lady, Lady Boss, Lady Rahat... and possibly several other people besides. Keeping track of her various identities eventually becomes a full-time occupation. Hovering over everything is the delicious mystery of Black Cat's true identity. Could the dreaded criminal mastermind really be the saintly Lady Rahat?

Surely not...

...or perhaps?

It is an appalling film, but one so spectacularly dreadful and magnificently inept that it becomes impossible not to enjoy. This majestic slice of mind-altering rubbish possesses all the makings of a genuine cult classic.

Its production history only enhances its dubious appeal. The film was shot during the gloriously sleazy peak years of the mid-1970s. Unfortunately for its producers, Pakistan's democratic government was overthrown before release, ushering in a new military regime determined to purge the nation's cinemas of anything remotely resembling "obscenity." It seems inevitable that substantial compromises were required before the film could stagger past the censors.

Released in 1977 under the title Black Cat, the film disappeared from cinemas almost immediately.

Eleven years later, following General Zia's death and the restoration of democracy, the optimistic producers decided the world deserved another opportunity to appreciate their masterpiece. Undeterred by their original failure, they simply resubmitted the very same decade-old film under an exciting new title—Lady Boss—and proudly relaunched it in cinemas during 1988 as though it were an entirely new production.

One has to admire such breathtaking optimism.

Sadly, audiences remained stubbornly unconvinced and the film collapsed at the box office for a second time.

No doubt it was simply too sophisticated for the average cinema-goer.

We, however, recognised it immediately for what it truly is...

Vintage tripe.