For Y'ur Height Only (1979)
Cast: Weng Wang
Director: Raymond Jury
Synopsis: Can a 2 ft 9" Secret Agent "00" save the planet from the ghastly Mr Giant!?
Reviewed by: Omar Khan

 

 

This totally insane Filipino secret agent movie kicks off in typical Bond fashion with a sultry female theme accompanying the opening credits, featuring our super-secret agent, Agent Double Zero—AKA 00—in action. We see him leaping off tall buildings, karate-kicking a posse of hoodlums and strutting coolly through the streets of Manila, oozing sex appeal from every inch of his 2ft 9in frame! Yes, the "hero" of this fabulously bizarre Bond send-up is an extraordinarily odd-looking midget who, despite his diminutive stature, turns in an absolutely super-cool, towering performance.

The opening scenes show the arrival in Manila of one of the world's leading scientists, Dr Van Kohler. Moments later his car is ambushed, and he is kidnapped by the dastardly henchmen of the notorious underground crime syndicate headed by the megalomaniacal Mr Giant. Van Kohler is whisked away to a secret hideout where he is ordered to hand over the dreaded N-Bomb so that Mr Giant can proceed with his plans for world domination. Van Kohler remains defiantly uncooperative, but Mr Giant—who delivers his threats from behind what appears to be a cheap flashing ladies' make-up mirror—is clearly not a man renowned for compromise.

The action then switches to the streets, where a luscious beauty is rescued in the nick of time from a deadly sniper attack by Agent 00. He soon discovers that she is being terrorised by a particularly unpleasant specimen named Columbus, who runs an extensive drugs, prostitution and extortion racket. She has refused his advances and is now marked for death. Had it not been for Agent 00's timely intervention, she would have been stone cold dead. After hearing her story, 00 joins forces with shapely undercover agent Irma to smash Columbus's criminal empire. Agent 00 dishes out plenty of punishment but takes absolutely none, barking immortal lines such as, "Talk—, or you'll eat lead!" as he thrusts his pistol into a goon's face.

Before tackling Mr Giant's grand scheme for world domination, Agent 00 is equipped with the latest in secret-agent gadgetry—toys that would have James Bond demanding an immediate pay rise. First comes a remarkable pendant that functions as a two-way communications device, followed by a ring capable of detecting every known poison. Then there is what his superior proudly describes as a genuine "humdinger" of a gun, specially designed to accommodate Agent 00's rather unique physique.

The gadgetry hardly stops there. He is issued with a stylish grey hat that makes Oddjob's famous bowler seem positively obsolete. This lethal headwear performs every trick that Oddjob's hat ever managed—and several more besides. Once launched, it can even be remotely controlled through the poison-detecting ring. Next comes a seemingly innocent pen that doubles as a deadly dart gun, together with a utility belt that would have Batman drooling with envy. Among its many remarkable features is the ability to slice effortlessly through steel bars. Agent 00 also sports a sophisticated wristwatch packed with assorted spy functions and, best of all, an extraordinary pair of sunglasses capable of seeing through clothing and even the thickest walls. Thoroughly kitted out, our diminutive super-spy sets off to crush Mr Giant's sprawling criminal empire—something the country's entire armed forces have thus far failed to accomplish.

Slowly but surely Agent 00 dismantles Mr Giant's organisation, disposing first of his colourful lieutenants Columbus, Cobra and the equally vicious Mr Kaiser. With the underlings neutralised through a combination of dazzling gadgetry and devastating martial arts, Agent 00 finally turns his attention to the kingpin himself. Mr Giant proves to be a giant in every sense of the word—a towering martial arts expert of truly bizarre proportions. Nevertheless, through a lethal combination of precision karate chops (most of them aimed enthusiastically at the groin), gravity-defying flying kicks and ingenious use of his secret-agent equipment, Agent 00 gradually gains the upper hand. Perhaps his most astonishing combat technique of all is his uncanny ability to zip across polished marble floors while simultaneously handling his celebrated "humdinger" with deadly accuracy.

The chicks simply can't get enough.

Like all truly great secret agents, Agent 00 possesses another weapon every bit as potent as his gadgets—raw, unbridled sexual magnetism. Women throw themselves at him with reckless abandon, and our bow-legged hero is only too happy to oblige, frequently pausing for the odd passionate embrace while being pursued by Mr Giant's trigger-happy henchmen. After all, some things simply cannot wait. His devastating chat-up line, "Shall we get it on?" proves irresistible as women everywhere swoon before his rugged charm, magnificent physique and undeniable screen presence.

For Y'ur Height Only is a sublimely insane film and, best of all, everyone involved performs it with complete sincerity. Although conceived as one enormous joke, it is played with such deadpan seriousness that the result becomes a surreal comic masterpiece. The experience is only enhanced by a parade of spectacularly hideous Hawaiian shirts, magnificently greasy villains and enough Punjabi-style paunches to stock an entire district of Lahore.

Hysterical, surreal, inspired—and a genuine humdinger.

Now where on earth is the sequel?